this trip, much like everything else in the past six months, was full of realizations.
one of those realizations is that a big part of why my sister and i don't get along is birth order. she was the youngest, the baby, until she was 7 and i was adopted. at first, i was a prop, a way for her to get praise. she actually brought me into school for show & tell once. but once i started showing her up, i became the competition. she's been in competition with me ever since. now in her 30s, a successful lawyer, married with two kids, a homeowner - she still feels the need to compete with me. she will still complain about how i scored higher than her on the SATs or point out to my family that she's still Catholic and i left the church when i was 13.
she picks fights with everyone in my family, but particularly likes to bully me in and then point out my instability if i lash out.
i am the first born, the oldest. i just found out, i have to younger half-siblings: a sister (20) and a brother (15). i think i've always felt and acted like the oldest sibling, i just never had the context before. my bestie and my partner are both eldest siblings - i am a nurturer, a caretaker and a fierce protector.
this trip i refused to engage my sister when she baited me. it was draining, frustrating, painful. having my partner there helped me to decompress after a days interactions. my sister is a hateful person. she is racist, fatphobic, ableist, queerphobic, transphobic, classist. she is selfish, self-centered and cruel. she never takes responsibility for her actions. she throws tantrums that are worse than her 3-year old.
she has shamed me my entire life. i see why now. she feels - she needs to feel - that am inferior to her. that i was a waste of money and effort. that i should have never been adopted. that she should have never been displaced from her position as the baby, the princess, the center of attention.
i see that now.
it's a strange place that i am in. for the first time, seeing clearly that her vitriol stems from her own issues, not mine. for once, i was the calm, mature older sibling that i was meant to be. i stood my ground. i loved and cared for her children, who she regards as nothing more than props, dolls to dress up and then casually dump on family members to care for when she doesn't feel like it. i gave her more of myself than she deserved.
and it felt good to not end up fighting for my right to exist with her. but it took so much out of me. i'm still recovering, and i don't really know where to begin. but this feels like a start.
there's a calm that comes from knowing i am in fact, the oldest, and that i have the chance to be a better big sibling to my dongsaengs than either of my adoptive siblings ever were to me. there is strength to that thought.
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