reality, check.

finding my birth mother is the ultimate reality check.

i don't know how to describe it. it's a strange sensation.

it is a stage to my life, a new peak to my journey. there is a kind of peace, a clarity. i stop, to take a long deep breath. from this vantage point i can see it all, the past 28.5 years. it is a long, hard view.

i can see what i've survived. i can see all the paths i've walked, all the skins i've shed.

i am reminded of what it is to be an orphan. the things that people raised by their birth families just can't understand.

truly, i was on this path before i found her. but there is a connection. i started searching over three years ago. this summer the wait (weight) became unbearable. it was so consuming, not knowing anything. i had gone through my local agency (Love the Children), KAS and directly to ESWS. nothing. i had to accept that i might never find anything. that until someone at KAS or ESWS picked my name out of a hat, i might never know.

this summer, following my birthday, my body suddenly put itself on Korea time. this lasted for months. at first it wasn't every day, but then it became permanent. i tried every herbal remedy to get to sleep - nothing helped for more than a night. most not at all. finally i tried not sleeping to force myself to sleep at night - my body still refused and i started sleeping every other day. for a month.

so i guess that is where it began.

somewhere between that, accepting that i might never find my birth mother and deciding to return to Korea (and realizing that my Saturn return was quite literally, upon me), a kind of clarity began to set in.

i was in an abusive relationship for five years. i've been able to do a lot of work about healing from the emotional and sexual trauma, but one of the most triggering parts of our relationship is that i don't know where he is, i haven't heard from him in over six years. i used to be so afraid, especially when flying to visit my family (we grew up in the same town). i would spend the entire flight figuring out exactly what to say if i saw him. i was afraid of what he would say to me. i was afraid he would break me down again. blame me again. i knew that he would break me. i could feel it. i was so afraid.

and sometimes, he would just fill my head, and i'd find myself scouring the internet for any trace of his whereabouts. stalking the facebook pages of friends of friends, using multiple search queries on multiple search engines, quickly scrolling past his college tennis photos, feeling tiny and breakable.

one night, as i felt that familiar panic set in, and found myself about to open up all my usual search boxes to look for my ex. time seemed to slow down, my brain, slowed down. i realized that i didn't need to go down that road. it had never happened like that before, where i'd been able to start the obsessing before it happened. but something inside me said that it wasn't worth the trouble, that i didn't need to know.

and just a few nights ago, riding the bus, i saw someone who looked just like him. i see people i think might be him often. but they always turn around or the angle changes and i see that they look nothing like him. but this person really looked like them. i immediately texted my boo. i want to stay it was instinct, but i don't know if i've ever texted them about that before. whatever it was, the feeling of worry subsided quickly.

later i texted my bestie about it. like a bogart, my ex had magically transformed into something non-threatening, something that could be flicked off my shoulder or kicked out a window. i was amazed to realize that i wasn't afraid of him any more. i don't want to say that finding my birth mom makes me feel invincible - far from it. but this is a time of cleansing, a time of shifting perspective. as i look out over everything that i have overcome in my life, and prepare to take a step into the next, unknown chapter, this is something i can let go.

more than that, i can trust myself. i can trust my experience, my heart, my head. i am standing on solid ground. i am more sure of myself than i've ever been.

every day is something new. ten somethings. constant shifting.