thinking about fatness and Korean culture

An article came across my news feed today about singer IU saying that she really hates it when people tell her she's gained weight, and in a moment of weakness, I read the comments.

The thing is, Korea absolutely does have some seriously wrong ideas about acceptable body size. But a lot of the way it gets talked about by Western (and often white) folks is really fucked up. Whenever I read critiques of Korea's sizeist culture, the implication is that Korea is "backwards" and needs to "evolve" to be more like America/the West. I'm not sure where these folks get the idea that America is not fatphobic, or that progress equals being like America, but these sorts of critiques always leave a foul taste in my mouth.

In my own experience the most vocal folks critiquing Korean fatphobia are Western raised Koreans and white people critiquing who would not typically be classified as "fat" by American standards. They are indignant that they have been/would be considered "fat" by Koreans, and that influences their idea that Koreans are backwards or primitive. They see Korea as being more virulently fatphobic than America because here they experience size privilege. Comments like "How could you possibly call her fat?"  or "Koreans need to get a life" don't actually destigmatize fatness. In calling for Korea to be more like America they completely ignore the toxically fatphobic culture of America AND the oppressive influence of American culture in Korea.

It's not that I think it's okay for Korean culture to be so fatphobic. I don't. BUT I also understand that as someone outside of the culture, it really isn't my place to judge or try and force my (Western privileged) beliefs onto a culture I am not a part of. As a foreigner with no language ability, I receive highly filtered information. There is so much I do not understand - cannot understand. I do my best, and take a generous view on things. I believe that there is resistance to fatphobia in Korea  that I cannot see. I am not some special snowflake who invented the idea of body positivity.

This attitude is separate from my reality as a fat-by-any-standard Korean. As an adoptee, my desire to be "authentically Korean" has always contributed to my body image issues. How could I be Korean when I was so fat? Koreans aren't fat. I will never be beautiful by that standard. I will never be Korean by that standard.

When I made my first trip home in 2009 I was terrified that I would be met by fatphobia at every turn. Other adoptees who had visited told me horror stories. But that was not my experience at all. What I experienced riding the Metro was a deep sense of comfort at being surrounded by Korean faces. I'd never been "the norm" before, and despite all the ways in which I was different (tattoos, short hair, different fashion, and fat) I felt like I belonged.

So there's that.

The other thing is that Koreans are blunt. They will say things to your face that Americans never would, but these sorts of comments aren't viewed as rude or insulting. So there's that, too.

My mind is full. I have no answers, just scattered thoughts.

FLOWER BOY DIY: "This Love" Style Wrap Bracelet

please excuse the Halloween decorations in the background :)

Shinhwa's "This Love" is one of my favorite K-pop songs and music videos of all time. I love the visual style, the fashion, the dance and the song is wonderfully danceable. Everyone looks smokin' hot, too!

The fashion of "This Love" inspires me in lots of ways (sexy vests! fitted satin pants!) and one of those ways is to wear more bracelets. In partciular, Lee Minwoo and Shin Hyesung had some really awesome bracelets on during their performances and in the music video. 

So when I saw these gunmetal pyramid stud beads for 40% off at Michael's today, I bought them out.

I paired them with black waxed cotton cord and a really awesome skull button to make this sexy bracelet. 

I only needed two packages to make a bracelet that wrapped around my wrist three times. 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the other packages, but I'm really pleased! I think I'm going to make a couple others with silver and black crystals. 

Happy Birthday Lee Donghae

Happy Birthday 이동해!

Donghae is easily my favorite member of Super Junior. I love his sweet voice, his earnest eyebrows, his shy smile and his amazing dancing. Happy birthday to this Mokpo cutie!

GROWING HOME: Sesame Leaf (깻잎)

SoSim, 2009

깻잎 is magic. There's really no other way to describe it. The flavor is so unique and the leaves are beautifully heart shaped with purple undersides. Also known as sesame leaf or perilla, kkaenip is a distinctly Korean flavor. I first tasted it in Seoul as part of a spread of vegetarian banchan at a restaurant called SoSim (now closed, I believe). I had no idea what it was at the time - but once I figured it out I tracked down some seeds and started growing it in my garden. 

baby kkaenip (top) and hot pepper plants

Kkaenip is extremely easy to grow! Because my current apartment does not have a yard I'm currently growing indoors. The plants grow fast and have given us a bountiful harvest of delicious leaves throughout the summer. I just started a new crop a few days ago - they already have true leaves and are doing great. In the ground or a large pot the plants will get quite large and have grown for me in full to part sun. They don't dry out quickly and are just amazingly resilient plants.

We also buy large packs of kkaenip leaves at H-Mart for big dishes like kkaenip kimchi but it is great to always have fresh leaves on hand. It is a staple in our kitchen! Try it in gimbap - yum!

I buy my seeds from Evergreen Seeds. They've always had high fertility and can be kept in a sealed plastic bag in the fridge between seedings.

FINDING FAMILY: DNA Testing Through 23andMe

I started my birth family search just over three years ago. I will post more in-depth about that process later, but for now, I have heard nothing back. This has left me in a bit of a holding pattern - waiting to find out if the information I have is true, and if it is false, waiting to find out the truth, if there is any to know. The waiting is the hardest part, knowing that whatever news may come will only create more questions.

I recently heard about Korean adoptees finding other adoptee relatives through the DNA testing site 23andMe. I don't normally spend $100 on a whim, but this was something I needed. I ordered my kit on September 6, and my complete results were posted on October 10. It was an anxious 5 weeks. I joined the KAD 23andMe Results Group on facebook to commiserate about the waiting process with others and talk about results.

Why was this so important to me? Up until 3 days ago I was not related to anyone else. I now have 55 distant cousins. One I had previously met at an adoptee gathering. I'm no longer a lone single floating dot  - I am connected genetically to others. This is meaningful to me. Another piece of the puzzle.

I admit to being disappointed at not finding any closer relatives. Some folks have found 2nd or 3rd cousins - mine were all 4th to distant. But it's still more than what I had before, and the 23andMe community is always growing, so there's always the potential to find more relatives.

I don't know what I will do with this new information. But just having it is exciting.

(sidebar: My health information didn't lend anything particularly illuminating - most of the data is based off people with European ancestry and for better or for worse, nothing big came up. But for other folks I think that health information can be really useful.)

Curious? Try it out. Let's be cousins!

NOMS: Gluten-Free Egg Bbang (계란 빵)

빵 stand in Insadong, 2009

These sweet little steamed bbang were one of the first street foods I encountered in Korea. These sweet little muffins were filled with bits of nuts and dried fruit and were absolutely delicious. I remember they came freshly cooked, about seven to a little paper bag. They had a sweet, spongy texture and a delicious smell. When I saw this recipe for Egg Bbang on Aeri's Kitchen, I had to make them.

Our first attempt failed because we tried to use a regular muffin tin. A silicone muffin tin is a necessity for this recipe - I'm not sure if it is the gluten-free flour or the recipe itself, but our first batch was impossible to get out of the pan cleanly. Some of our friends scored us a silicone muffin pan off of Freecycle, so we gave it another go.

I'm diabetic, so we always reduce sugar by half in baked goods. I am also gluten-intolerant, so we subbed in our gluten-free flour mix for the all purpose flour. With the gluten-free flour, the batter ended up being really thick, so we added some extra milk to thin it out a bit. We didn't have any regular milk on hand so we used Korean black soybean milk, which gave the finished buns a darker color. 

Despite modifications these buns were sweet, delicious and really brought me back. We made six with eggs and four without - either way they do not keep and should be eaten immediately.

Here is our modified ingredient list:

• 3/4 C Gluten-Free Flour Mix (see below)
• 2 eggs for batter and more eggs for inside the buns
• 1/2 C melted salted butter
• scant 1/4 C sugar
• 1/3 C soy milk
• 3/4 tsp baking powder
• sea salt
• melted butter for brushing

Gluten-Free Flour Mix (adapted from artofglutenfreebaking.com)

• 1 1/4 C brown rice flour
• 1 1/4 C millet flour
• 1 C tapioca flour
• 1 C glutinous rice flour (we use the Thai brand Erawan)
• 2 tsp xanthan gum

an introduction

me with foster mom, 1985

This blog is a chronicle of my diasporic Korean life.

I was born in Korea, adopted to America, raised in New Jersey, educated in Ohio and am currently living, loving and making art in Seattle, Washington.

I am a queer, fat, chronically ill, radically politicized and person with a Western education. All of these things often feel directly at odds with being "authentically Korean". But I still have a deep desire to (re)claim and (re)discover my culture, and in the process, find my own path.

My connection will never be free and easy. That is simply not meant for me. I hope that in keeping this blog I can give voice to both my challenges and celebrations.