reality, check.

finding my birth mother is the ultimate reality check.

i don't know how to describe it. it's a strange sensation.

it is a stage to my life, a new peak to my journey. there is a kind of peace, a clarity. i stop, to take a long deep breath. from this vantage point i can see it all, the past 28.5 years. it is a long, hard view.

i can see what i've survived. i can see all the paths i've walked, all the skins i've shed.

i am reminded of what it is to be an orphan. the things that people raised by their birth families just can't understand.

truly, i was on this path before i found her. but there is a connection. i started searching over three years ago. this summer the wait (weight) became unbearable. it was so consuming, not knowing anything. i had gone through my local agency (Love the Children), KAS and directly to ESWS. nothing. i had to accept that i might never find anything. that until someone at KAS or ESWS picked my name out of a hat, i might never know.

this summer, following my birthday, my body suddenly put itself on Korea time. this lasted for months. at first it wasn't every day, but then it became permanent. i tried every herbal remedy to get to sleep - nothing helped for more than a night. most not at all. finally i tried not sleeping to force myself to sleep at night - my body still refused and i started sleeping every other day. for a month.

so i guess that is where it began.

somewhere between that, accepting that i might never find my birth mother and deciding to return to Korea (and realizing that my Saturn return was quite literally, upon me), a kind of clarity began to set in.

i was in an abusive relationship for five years. i've been able to do a lot of work about healing from the emotional and sexual trauma, but one of the most triggering parts of our relationship is that i don't know where he is, i haven't heard from him in over six years. i used to be so afraid, especially when flying to visit my family (we grew up in the same town). i would spend the entire flight figuring out exactly what to say if i saw him. i was afraid of what he would say to me. i was afraid he would break me down again. blame me again. i knew that he would break me. i could feel it. i was so afraid.

and sometimes, he would just fill my head, and i'd find myself scouring the internet for any trace of his whereabouts. stalking the facebook pages of friends of friends, using multiple search queries on multiple search engines, quickly scrolling past his college tennis photos, feeling tiny and breakable.

one night, as i felt that familiar panic set in, and found myself about to open up all my usual search boxes to look for my ex. time seemed to slow down, my brain, slowed down. i realized that i didn't need to go down that road. it had never happened like that before, where i'd been able to start the obsessing before it happened. but something inside me said that it wasn't worth the trouble, that i didn't need to know.

and just a few nights ago, riding the bus, i saw someone who looked just like him. i see people i think might be him often. but they always turn around or the angle changes and i see that they look nothing like him. but this person really looked like them. i immediately texted my boo. i want to stay it was instinct, but i don't know if i've ever texted them about that before. whatever it was, the feeling of worry subsided quickly.

later i texted my bestie about it. like a bogart, my ex had magically transformed into something non-threatening, something that could be flicked off my shoulder or kicked out a window. i was amazed to realize that i wasn't afraid of him any more. i don't want to say that finding my birth mom makes me feel invincible - far from it. but this is a time of cleansing, a time of shifting perspective. as i look out over everything that i have overcome in my life, and prepare to take a step into the next, unknown chapter, this is something i can let go.

more than that, i can trust myself. i can trust my experience, my heart, my head. i am standing on solid ground. i am more sure of myself than i've ever been.

every day is something new. ten somethings. constant shifting.

the first four days and my life will never be the same

i shed my first real tear today. i got a little misty on tuesday, reading all the responses to my fb updates about finding my birth mother. i was holding someone else's 5-month old infant, strapped onto me in a carrier. she cried most of the day. she missed her mother.

my eyes got wet on wednesday evening when a reunited adoptee offered to meet for coffee and talk. she told me about her reunion, and hearing her story it began to set in. the earth shattering life altering absolutely wild incomprehensible sum total of what had just happened, what was about to just happen.

today, during the intake for a physical medicine appointment i told my doctor about my search. i told him i wanted to tell him because it was in my body but i wasn't ready to talk about it. i guess i ended up talking a bit, enough, to shed a tear. a real tear. i did not blink it back or stifle it, i let it run down my cheek. just one. the first.

on tuesday morning i got the email. it was early - i didn't have to be to work until 10 but i had to get up at 7 to take my thyroid medication, and then i could eat and shower and get ready for the hour-long commute to my nanny job. so 7 am. i had a tooth extracted the day before, my jaw was stiff and sore and my mouth still tasted of blood. i looked at my phone, as i do every morning, bleary eyed, to check my emails.

mostly it's Joann's coupons and store newsletters, but sometimes there is something worthwhile.

i saw i had an email from KAS. because of the magic of mail preview, this is what it said:

KAS

Re: Birth Family Search Request

Dear ---x---. Hello, this is Sara Yun from Korea Adoption Services. First...

i read those words and recoiled. it sounded like bad news. or at least, more of no news. i had accepted that i might not ever get an answer to my searching. i didn't really think this could be The Email. whatever it was - it was 7am and i was going to have a long week and i was not ready to read it.

after about 5 minutes, i said to myself "you ridiculous human being, what are you doing, OPEN THE FUCKING EMAIL," and so i did.

and --that-- is the moment my life changed forever.

i'm scared. i'm terrified. i'm excited. i'm feeling everything that it is possible to feel, i think, and probably a few more things. this is truly standing on the edge of the unknown. and i know, i KNOW, that whatever comes next will fuck with my heart in ways i can't even begin to anticipate. nothing will protect me from what this process will do to me. as an adoptee - nothing has been easy. nothing has been painless. but i have survived it.

and so, what choice do i have but to take a deep breath and step into the abyss.

when i started my search, i did it because i didn't want to live my life not having searched. i was only 25 but had recently met adoptees older and younger than me who done their searches only to find their mothers had already passed. this possibility had never really entered into my consciousness, and i realized that i could wait around until i was "ready" (and really, when are you ever "ready" for this?) or  do it before i ran out of chances.

i emailed my local agency on August 23, 2010 to start my search.

four days later, i sent this email to my close queer adoptee friend:

"i have started my birth family search. that's about all i have to say on the subject at the moment. they said it could take a while. but. opening."

i'm trying hard not to have expectations. i am trying to go forward with an open head and open heart for whatever may come. i'm not looking for this to "fix" me - i don't feel broken anymore.

the waiting is the worst. first, three years, countless emails, to get to here. and now, waiting again. for the next step. knowing that people who don't want me to know my birth mother are the ones in control.

whenever i get a new email i feel like i'm going to throw up. and when it isn't ESWS, when it isn't me being one.step.closer to knowing my mother's name, my heart hurts.

here i am. day four and my life will never be the same.

괜찮아요.

I received this email yesterday morning as I was getting ready to go to work.

I'm not ready to write about this, but here it is.

-----

Dear --x--,

Hello, this is Sara Yun from Korea Adoption Services.

First of all, I am really really sorry about this late reply.

KAS has had the busiest season of the year. I am really sorry.

There was a miscommunication with ESWS, so a blank created from the time of your request to now.

I am really sorry that I have not perceived it.

KAS succeeded in locating your birth mother as of Sep.5th.

And ESWS help us to contact your birth mother via telegram.

She has not responded to it for a while.

I talked with a person at ESWS today.

She  informed me of such a great news.

Your birth mother contacted ESWS recently.

Your birth mother is very wondering how you have been and willing to exchange letters with you.

However, there is one thing that we should be careful.

She has a family now, but none of her family members know that she has delivered a baby in the past.

Therefore, she has a fear of being diclosed to her current family.

I really hope that you could understand her current situation before you started contacting her. 

ESWS suggested me that they are willing to help connect between you and your birth mother.

Therefore, I would like to know how you think of the suggestion from the ESWS.

If you are OK with it, can I give them your e-mail address?

Please, let me know your thoughts.

Please, also do not hesitate to e-mail me if you have any questions or you need help.

I definitely willing to help you as much as I can.

I am sorry about my lateness again.

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you for your understanding and patience.

Sincerely,

Sara Yun.